Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
