What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
