im drinking this country out of the recession.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
