Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
