If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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