i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
