wakey wakey hands off snakey
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
