Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I need water and some morals
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize