I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
