Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
This toilet bowl is my home.
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