Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
