I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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