i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
