Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize