if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
