im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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