I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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