Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
