the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
