i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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