Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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