We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
