If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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