My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
