the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
