I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
