Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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