I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
