So drunk its hurt
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
