i used baking grease as lip gloss
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
