I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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