So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
