My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
