whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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