i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
