Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
