he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
