shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize