Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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