If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
