last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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