for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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