I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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