Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
