I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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