I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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