I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
