We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
