I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Are we still banned from the library?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
