mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
