I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
