My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
