Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
