The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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