I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
