I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
