I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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