So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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