A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
