it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
