Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
