also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
