Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize