My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize