my sisters under your porch take her home
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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