Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
