I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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