I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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