Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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