after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
