you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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